did you get engaged???
no, he came in my armpit
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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