When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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