Omg! Love it! Cant find L*****
What!!?? Like after last night you lost her?
Yea me and L***** came back to out hotel at 3am to regroup then went back out; police and 2 bars later, I don't know what happened. Vegas is nuts!
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
