Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Randomize
