If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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