did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
