you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Randomize
