The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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