Swine flu. Run for my life!
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
