just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
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