I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
