The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Randomize
