Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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