Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
