Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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