I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
super hot butfun
Oops. What a difference a comma and a space make.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
Randomize
