i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
I cannot find my penis.
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Randomize
