i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
