Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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