I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
