yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
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