im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
