you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
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