Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
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