Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
This is classic penis vs brain.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
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