Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
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