he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
Today in class was pretty awsome. I dont feel like i have to throw up and im actually paying attention. This is a first for friday
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Everyone says I win the strip club
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
