A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
I lost the right to judge tonight
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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