So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Randomize
