I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
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