I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Randomize
