Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
I want a musical about memes.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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