my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
