i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Randomize
