We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
