after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Randomize
