Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
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