k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
