we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
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