i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
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