i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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