When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Randomize
