Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
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