I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
