I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
