I smell stomach acid.
This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
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