guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
