This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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