I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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