So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
