i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
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