I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
I could make wine with my vomit
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Randomize