I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize
