I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Randomize
