just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I love you. Go after that dick
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
Randomize
