just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
