I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?