Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
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And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
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In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood