We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
