So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
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